The Swarthmore Conservative Society and Swarthmore Independent (oh, to hell with it, we’re all the same people anyways) are proud to announce the debut of the Fund for a Profitable Swarthmore, a glorified savings account created with the intent to pressure Swarthmore College to adopt more profitable investment practices.
When our demands are met, the fund in its entirety will be transferred to the College to use however it pleases. We eagerly await the many new initiatives Swarthmore will be able to pursue with this fund, such as establishing an Office of InterMultiTransculturalism and enabling professors to take on a negative courseload.
Our demands are as follows:
- Swarthmore must increase the share of the endowment held in fossil fuel stocks to 75%.
- At least five new hydraulic fracturing wells must be drilled on campus by 2017. Preferably on the WRC.
- Any and all sustainability initiatives on campus must be doused thoroughly with oil and set aflame. This includes the Crum Meander and the carwash it was taken from.
Until such time as Swarthmore fulfills these demands, we will hold the Fund for a Profitable Swarthmore in PNC Bank, where it will earn a highly profitable interest rate of 0.01% and support valuable projects such as the patriarchy.
Naturally, we don’t want to endorse the spawn of satanic institutions such as the Federal Reserve, so the fund will not accept donations made in U.S. dollars. We encourage free-market alternatives such as gold and Bitcoin.
For too long has Swarthmore neglected the profits it could accrue from greater investment in fossil fuels. We The Students, who collectively know more about how the world works than anyone who’s actually lived in it, have been oppressed long enough. It’s time for Swarthmore to wake up and realize that money isn’t going to make itself. Only love can do that.
“Money money money, need some money, so let’s invest in oil.” – ABBA
You can donate to the Fund for a Profitable Swarthmore here.